i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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