I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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