It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
