When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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