Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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