dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
