I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
