I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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