Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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