Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
