Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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