If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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