tequila makes me forget i have legs
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
