My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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