i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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