We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
