it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
