Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
