i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
