Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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