i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
