You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You are the jesus of drinking
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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