Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
