get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
