If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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