Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
