Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
