If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
