I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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