Is it because I queefed?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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