My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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