Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
