whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
