he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
