yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
