Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
