No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
