If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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