one word: firstdatebathroomanal
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
