She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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