I'm lost and stupid without you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
