he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
