I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I stole a fireplace last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
