Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
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i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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