on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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