I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
