Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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