Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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