you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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