You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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