this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
