Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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