Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
