Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
