im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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