I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
