note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
