mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
