The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
